Empaths: Ending the Murky Mess

It is a cold, windy gorgeous fall morning here in northern NJ. There is something I just love about nature giving us a clear sign of the change of seasons.

As I sit and journal this morning, I hear the wind picking up, see the branches sway outside and the shadow of light dancing through my white curtains.

I'm not sure why it it makes me so happy, but it does.

Maybe it's because I spent so much of my life trying to figure out and untangle the 'unseen' within me that I can now truly appreciate the clear and obvious.

Being an Empath and Intuitive my whole life (ps...I didn't even know these were 'a thing' until a couple of years ago), I spent a large portion of my energy trying to figure myself out. I never understood that I needed to actively work at not having the lines blur between where my energy ended (I know...it doesn't really end...but the analogy sounds better with 'end' lol 😉) and other people's began.

I always felt like one of those finger painting projects we made as kids. You know - the ones that started off vibrant, with vivid colors and pictures - a house, a tree, a dog -only to end up a murky, brown mess because we added every color in the palette?

By the time I was done, there was no solid picture left.

No structure.

No colors I could pick out by name.

Just swirls of  brown.

That's how I felt much of the time: a murky mess of brown swirls.

What I didn't know is I was leaking energy...giving it away. I didn't know that I attracted energy vampires who needed my energy to feel good. Who stole it from me.

But if I want to be completely honest,  I was giving it away - I just didn’t know it at the time.

We don't know what we don't know, until we know something more.

I couldn't figure out why I ALWAYS felt so drained.

I couldn’t understand why I attracted people that always needed my advice (spoiler alert: I manifested them. I called them in. Stick around a little longer and find out why). These people had a variety of illnesses and challenges in their life and most all of them weren’t looking to change. They said they did, but after countless hours talking together (and repeating my same advice), they would come back in a boomerang loop; them reciting their same problem and me starting all over again with my ‘help’.

Growing up I found myself offering my shoulder, my energy and my support time and time again. But I always walked away feeling defeated and drained, not energized and excited as I do now.

I was frustrated because I didn't understand why people would continue to come to me for support, but then not only walk away unchanged, but also unwilling to make a change. And then return to me with the same plight.

What I didn't realize at the time was they were taking my energy without any intention of shifting their thoughts and behavior.

That made me angry.

BUT, the real truth was I was actually giving my energy away FREELY not just from the kindness in my heart, but because I craved feeling good about myself. Sounds crazy, right?

I thought I could achieve this worthiness through helping others. I thought I could fill my void by filling others.

YUP, I was a bit surprised about that realization myself!

Go figure?!!

I thought I could make myself feel worthy through 'helping' someone else. At the time I wasn’t even aware that this was a thought or belief I had. It was just a feeling I was following.

I became the 'fixer.' And I took pride in it.

Heck, I think I had an invisible neon light blinking above my head that read: If I can fix you, then I will matter. I will have purpose. Step right up!

Wow!!! Talk about one HUGE 'aha' moment! This came during one of my one-on-one sessions with my coach a couple of years back. It was one of those, “NO WAY! GET OUT! V8 knocking my palm on my forehead,” moments.

I began to see that I had been blaming others for sucking the energy out of me, but the truth was/is no one can take what I don’t offer up. I was key to those toxic and draining relationships I was in.

No blame here. I understand we don’t know, what we don’t know, until we know something more.

Now I know.

And that means no more murky brown swirls in my masterpiece.

For the last four years I’ve been painting with a new palette. I’ve been dipping into colors like education, personal growth, coaching, reading, practice, meditation and journaling.

I no longer label myself the 'fixer.' My neon light has been unplugged.

I am something so much better. So much stronger. So much healthier.
I am the ‘Empowerer’.

Now I embrace my worth. I no longer need to fix others to feel good .

I am worthy of my own love.

..of my sensitivity.

..of my empathy.

..of my intuition.

..of my gifts.

In being grounded in my worthiness, I am able to understand and use my empathic abilities to serve myself and others with the highest truth and compassion.

I now share energy - I don’t give it away.

I now INCREASE my energy through the friends I share space with and the coaching clients I work with.

I don’t feed my worthiness through other’s accomplishments.

I no longer take credit OR blame myself if someone does or does not choose to change. I allow them the same freedom of choice I have. They are the key to their change.

By being solid in my own self-worth I am able to value and safeguard my energy by empowering others to do the same.

I am no longer living my life in a murky brown mess.

Today I paint with clear strokes, solid lines and colorful boundaries.

Here’s to all you Empowered Empaths working on your beautiful masterpiece.

May you continue to do the inside work to create with beauty and light and color. You are worth it!

Sat Nam,

Jen